We did a Poly Q&A and this is what happened

Is there more than monogamy and non-monogamy?

My polycule and I attended a weekend festival in Central Florida (Camp Sacred City–shout out to my St. Pete people!) and facilitated various fabulous workshops at our camp area, Soma Sanctuary Village. 

The day before the schedule went out, I proposed we do something crazy.

Put our sh*t out there. 

"Let's do a 'poly open panel' or something where we all get on stage and share our experiences."

The next day, "Poly Q&A" was on the schedule.

The "Why"-Representation & Connection

When I first heard of polyamory, I didn't feel like it was for me. I looked around at the people I knew who practiced it and didn't understand it. 

I saw dysregulation, lust, blaming, lack of healthy communication, flakiness, and a lot of things I didn't want to be a part of. 

Despite resisting it anyway, I didn't have great representation in the beginning. The representation I had, though sex-positive, lacked intimacy and connection to self. 

No thanks.

If I had conversations like the ones I'm having today, they would have profoundly changed my life and relationships.

So, my "why" for having these conversations was representation and connection. 

I wanted to give people in our community a space not to be judged and a place to feel free to ask their questions. I wanted to show that, though it's certainly not perfect, there's an outpouring of love and support in our polycule.

I wanted this, but doing something like this with other people is difficult. What did the rest of the polycule want?

The Preparation-Polycule Convos

I ONLY wanted to do this if everyone was on board. If anyone said no, we'd shut it down. I did not want anyone to fear that personal things would be shared without their consent.

So, multiple conversations happened before we took the workshop stage. Some were between individual couples, and one conversation was between the four of us together—kitchen table-style.

Some conversations were difficult and vulnerable. Some old relationship beliefs came up as well as ones that resided in our dynamics. All were enlightening and loving.

And that was my favorite part of the whole thing, even more than going on "stage."

The conversations, the opportunity to connect as a family—whether or not we did the workshop, the mere idea of it was a growth opportunity for all of us.

The People-Beyond "Polyamory"

The people who showed up, showed up. 

They came with their vulnerability and questions, sharing their difficulties. We were there for all of it.

What I loved most was the different dynamics and desires of the couples that showed up. No one relationship was the same, even for our polycule.

What do you do about different desires and dynamics? This felt like the underlying tone. 

If one partner has been primarily monogamous and feels unsure about opening up the relationship, what do you do?

That or if you start dating someone who has already committed to someone else, what does that mean?

Though the workshop was called "Poly Q&A," we all shared the same value that it was not about polyamory. So, the workshop was introduced with the concept of open-relating.

What’s the difference?

Plenty of names have come up to describe non-traditional styles of relating: non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, open relationships, etc. All are little boxes on a spectrum of relating that places monogamy on one side and these terms on the other.

But the issue may lie in the nuance.

What if I'm "monogamous" but love to flirt with people at bars?

What if I'm "monogamous" but love to attend cuddle puddles?

What if I'm "monogamous" but sex parties are fun to attend but I'm still looking for a beloved?

What if I'm "monogamous" but love to sometimes make out with my friends?

Well, then, you're obviously not monogamous! Right?

That last one was me at one point.

I was in a relationship where we had tried to open it up, and it didn't work after an attempt to sleep with another man. 

We hadn't dated long, and I had developed a fun habit of making out with my friends beforehand.

One night, we hung out, and I told him I had made out with my friends the night before. In my mind, I saw this as innocent play because I hadn't slept with anyone, to which he replied:

"Well, obviously, you don't know what monogamy is!" And that got me thinking, "No, I guess I don't!"

Though to some, my mistake might seem obvious. As someone that started relating to her friends in a more open way I had already started moving away from the traditional monogamy mindset.

It also made me realize the most consequential downside that we face in a predominantly monogamous culture: we don't talk about our boundaries and desires about what we want outside of our primary relationships.

So when our partner talks about opening up the relationship, we may feel blind sighted.

We might even think that the only way to do that is beyond what we are comfortable with because monogamy and box-like words like polyamory and swinging are the only options.

So, I introduce another term: 

Open-relating

When I received my certification for Somatic Sexology through the Institute of New Paradigm Intimacy, we discussed the term "open relating."

Where non-traditional relating terms may fall on the opposite side of the spectrum as monogamy, open-relating is the spectrum.

This concept puts monogamy and polyamory on a spectrum rather than two separate things because no one's relating style is the same.

In the course, "open relating" was used a lot more than "polyamory" and "non-monogamy," which makes sense because the course is meant to include all relating styles. It didn't judge one relating style over the other. 

But it did give some context to look at how love moves through relationships. And it prompts the question of how monogamous or open a relationship is without boxing it in.

Talking with my partners, we agreed that all versions of monogamy are as different as polyamorous ones. 

Some cultures ask that a woman cover her hair for all but a handful of men in her family, and other couples in our culture have a hard time with their partner talking to members of the opposite sex.

Even in our polycule, all of us had different relating styles: Solo-poly, ambiamorous, open relationship with a primary partner, yet it works!

Even outside our talk, I have had several conversations where people are confused about where they might label themselves because they still consider themselves monogamous.

So, if you're single or in a relationship, here are some things to consider:

There are no universal rules to monogamy or polyamory

If you're a bit confused about finding a label, know that there are no rules for any part of the spectrum. So it might be best not to stress about it! 

What you can do instead is have conversations about what your desires and boundaries are in relationships, even if you've put a label on yourself already. What can happen from there is you find out where you and your partner harmonize and where you don't.

You have to be honest with yourself first.

You MUST be honest with your partner about what you want. But before you can do that, you must be honest with yourself first. 

If you're finding yourself in a relating dynamic that doesn't align with your own desires, there is no amount of work on yourself that will make you happy with it. 

If you aren't being honest with your potential partners about your desires, the likelihood of both of you being happy in that relationship is slim. Be clear about what you want and don't want.

Are you setting boundaries for a false sense of security?

If you find yourself putting boundaries to avoid jealousy, I hate to break it to you honey, but you'll find it no matter what.

As someone who has experienced a large part of the spectrum, finding a loving, supportive partner(s), as well as having your own regulation tools, is vital for a healthy relationship.

Creating more rules and structure does not necessarily prevent pain or hurt or avoid conflict in the relationship. Intimacy is a risky game, no matter what adventure we choose.

Creating an environment of love and understanding is hard, but finding tools that work for you is everything. Whether that be meditation, community support, or therapy.

My biggest tip is to create less structure and rules of what relating would look like and listen more to the body and the relationship and what it needs.

The Aftermath

Was it a happy ending? Not necessarily. Our conversations brought up tender points for sure.

But I love how much it brought us closer together, honed more trust that we had for each other, got to see each other in our leadership, and did it as a family.

One of my favorite things lately has been co-creating with my partners. It was a dream to do that with my whole polycule, and I'm excited for more to come with all of them!

Crazy enough, I am doing a Beltane ritual called Making Love to the Divine with my metamour Rebecca Rose on April 30th called "Making Love to the Divine." If you feel called to it, feel free to send me a message!